Back to Reality, Oh... there goes gravity.

Reality can often be referred to as a "slap across the face." And perhaps this is true in some manner. But when reality leaves you with two red cheeks and an "s" on the end of slap, a bitter relationship is hard to avoid. The inner struggle of unquenched desire has left many hanging from a rope or hanging out in a bar, but when does the war become worth the pain. Unsure results and restless minds cannot navigate the possibilities with enough speed. There is hardly enough time in a day for the mind to trace and sort want from need with intricate detail and superior catagorizing. How is it that one's emotions can betray them in a matter of seconds when one has reasoned through a circumstance for a number of sleepless nights and several cups of coffee. Emotional response vs. the logical. Temporary feelings vs. reason. Two spheres at war within the human body, and a cease fire seems impossible. When the logical concludes, the emotional responds and affects the conclusion. When the emotional appears to win out in, reasoning strips and changes the initial emotional response. And when one chooses to accept reality, there are suddenly two ways of grasping it. A slap from the emotional, a slap from the logical. And soon to follow; anger, bitterness, frustration, misunderstanding, silence. What to say next? Maybe I always KNEW it wouldn't work, but I felt it could. Is it wrong to hold onto what I feel over what I know? Because that's what he wants. To know. But then comes the emotion. and whack. Now he's turned the other way. And here we go again.

Hannah GRACE is enough.

Your grace is enough. Your mercies are made new every morning. Your unfailing love will uphold me. How often do I read these verses and hear these phrases without truly grasping their meaning? I desire to be enough. I want to be loved, so desperatly, for me- flaws and all. How easily I forget that my Creator knows me and my heart better than even I. He understands my very being in every way, and created me with a unique personality. Yes, I am fallen and daily distort His perfect creation, but, oh ya, He knows that. And, oh ya, He loves me anyway. And He knows that I run around looking for love and looking for grace that can see past the poo and into a heart filled with all sorts of increadible gifts and desires. But do I really expect to look into the eyes of another human and find enough grace to cover a dirty and warped little girl? Is that sort of mercy possible? Doubtful. But I know that every time I look into the eyes of my God, I will find my reflection, and I will find that I am enough. I will be covered with grace, love, and acceptance. No, I can't live in sin and continually expect God to shove my iniquity under a rug, but if I have a heart that truly desires God, I'll find substance and open arms that will carry me through the days I can't walk through on my own. Praise God that His grace is enough. That I'm enough.

Thoughts to Uncle Screwtape 2

"It is obvious that to Him human birth is important chiefly as the qualification for human death, and death soley as the gate to that other kind of life." (Lewis, 157)

This new and intriguing perspective on life presents some interesting questions concerning the reason for human exsistence. The well-known phrase, "living in light of eternity", used frequently among church crowds, is an idea that provokes an outward or "bigger picture" view of life. Common belief is that humans were created to glorify God, love, serve, and draw others to Him while on earth. Screwtape describes human exsistence merely as a means for death which leads to eternity, the end. Perhaps I am interpreting wrong, but "cheifly as the qualification for human death" seems to allude toward the idea that life on earth has little importance to God other than the individual's end. In context with the paragraph, Screwtape is discussing how little time demons have to do their work, for they can decieve only in the few years while man walks on earth. I beleive that Screwtape's reasoning for human exsistence is not complete, and that God's purpose for the birth of mankind extends beyond its death. Although eternity is the ultimate end, life on earth is essential to the process, and essential to acheiving the elements listed above. Bringing glory and honor to God, bringing His children to Him, and learning and experiencing as a human being serving an increadible Creator.

Thoughts to Uncle Screwtape

I thought I might share some thoughts from The Screwtape Letters, which I just finished for an AP summer reading project. The book was increadibly thought provoking, but here's one quote in particular I decided to rant on...
"As a result we are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exsis- making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible." (Lewis, 107)
The harsh reality of society today is that the above passage properly describes the sexual situation of America, and the results affect the lives of millions. Seven million women in the United States have an eating disorder, and 95% of those range from ages 12-25. By age 16, over 80% of girls have attempted to lose weight in some form or fashion. The pressure to look a certain way stems from the female desire to be desirable, accepted, and wanted, but the criterea for a body that will achieve this is unrealistic. Women have been reduced to believe they must fit the mold to be desirable, and everywhere in the media (clothing advertisments, movies, commercials, magazines) the skinny, evenly proportioned, beautiful (an objective adjetive to begin with) female is glorified. But Lewis refers only to the role of the male eye in making these demands so outrageous, when in reality a judgmental look from a women is equally damaging to the self-esteem and the cause of increased self-consciousness. While men can be easily distracted from a woman's flaws by her obvious and more appealing qualities, a woman can skip right to the imperfections with a self-assured gaze that has perfected the criticism of her own sex. Just as men have the God-given responsibility to remain pure in thought and action, women are called do the same. Encouragment and love for one another, as each was created, individual and in Christ's image, we must not succumb to the opinions of the world. I believe we were given eyes to see beauty- colors, pictures and scenes from our lives that arouse emotion, experiences. If we see the beauty in every person; their heart, their colors, their expereinces, not only do we find ourselves less critical of our Creator's work, but less critical of ourselves.

Out of Body

He wraps his arms around her,
She gives a tentative smile.
A curse, a vulgar reply
Bright faces tainted, vile.
Officially they talk, jerk, smirk, walk.
Akwardly they sat, quiet, searching, flat.
Conversations turns, conversions of attitude.
Currents ripple through mind,
Suddenly morphing the mood.
Moments pass in fast forward motion,
Time is skewed all around,
But I'm frozen with no emotion.
An outsider watching film with no sound.
Through this mirage window i view,
Detailed faces I thought I knew.
But as the night zips on it seems,
They slip away like lucid dreams.
Speechless, all I can do is wait,
Observe through this thick waving glass.
At one time I could read your thoughts on your face,
Now I look into the cold eyes of a mask.

Just 5

5 reasons I love being with you:

1. You are hysterical. I cannot stop laughing when I'm with you, and if I'm not laughing I'm definanltly smiling, or trying not to. This is unfortunate, because sometimes I don't want to smile. And sometimes you kiss me, and I can't even kiss you back because your just so dang funny.
2. I can spend the entire day with you in any setting, and I still wish there was more time in the day. It takes a very special person to not get me annoyed.
3. Even if we just goof off and laugh, we can have serious convos too. About dreams, future, life, passions, relationships, God's hand in our lives, struggles.
4. We can do crazy things. Like dance in the spirnklers on the golf course, have paint wars, play ninja, tresspass in nursing homes that are under construction (not trespass, because we knew Jack Hertzel), climb and get stuck on your roof, freeze in the rain outside late at night, dancing in Franke's parking lot, bet/argue/challenge eachother all the time and usually end up with some crazy way of "paying" the person.
5. You're are so many things I'm not. sometimes I feel like a little girl watching her dad, carefully observing and learning and trying to change. Trying to be better. I'm alot of things you're not, too. So in a way, we complete and learn form eachother. And each experience, each day is something profound and new. Something to love and cherish.

Murdered

Desperately reaching for sanity. It taunts, just beyond the tips of my fingers, just beyond the horizon of reality. The miles between us should provide enough ground for my mind to wander elsewhere.
I want to be angry.
Frustrated.
Fighting.
I am morphed by your mood. It creeps into my mind, toying with inner thoughts, outer emotions. I feel what you feel, sucked into the whirlpool of private struggle and personal dissappiontment. Contagiously, words and looks soak through this ice some call skin. Layers, shudderously chilling, formed from feeling too much. I am cold and hard with you. by you. And sunlight, powerfully penetrating, can hardly warm the depths of my infected heart. I do not choose to be this way, as I believe you do not choose to be cancerous. But daily I am weary from fighting the inevitable magnent. One which can reverse a positive outlook instantly. I am left with ice, waiting for the day it cracks completley and shattered shards lay succumed to the harsh world.
I am so easily effected. Infected.
I continually fall, wanting the sunlight to break through for you, wanting to melt away. Situational happiness. Conditions. Consuming relativity.
When will you let me go?
When will you let me melt.